by Andrew Barker
Now here is a show I could really sink my teeth into. I mean come on, it’s set in my own home state of Massachusetts! Here’s a spoiler alert to start: it takes place in Westbridge, MA… which doesn’t even exist!! Yeah… So in the beginning Sabrina lived with her two aunts, but why?? Well I’ll tell you why if you just stick with me for a couple minutes. If you’re lucky I might also go further than that!
I posted this to get a rise out of you lololllll
The series began with us watching Sabrina sleep. It’s not as creepy as it sounds because we were joined by her aunts, Zelda and Hilda. It had just struck midnight and thus Sabrina’s sixteenth birthday started. Suddenly, Sabrina floats in midair!! She is levitating! Apparently, witches levitate and that acts as the indication that they are ready to know that they are witches. Zelda remarks that the first levitation is “so special” and then Hilda responds by saying that it “gets old REAL quick.” We aren’t even thirty seconds into the series and Caroline Rhea is using innuendo about women having their period. How classy! And we’re off! Her dad (who lives on a page of a book) tells her she is a witch because he is a warlock, but her mom is mortal. Unfortunately, as we know from society… being half one thing and half another does not mean acceptance into either party.
Let’s avoid making this a storyline and just date.
Sabrina’s birthday was also her first day of high school (which is weird because I was fourteen when I started high school, but hey whatever it’s TV) and she meets some new people. She becomes friends with some lame curly haired girl, Jenny, and quickly falls in love with Harvey Kinkle. Luckily, Harvey was completely fine with breaking the “bros before hos” code and starts hanging out with the two girls all the time. Also, like I said, it’s TV, so naturally there is a bully involved. Libby Chessler is the captain of the cheerleading squad or whatever they call it on this show. She is always trying to screw with Sabrina, but Sabrina always gets the last laugh by turning her into puzzles or pineapples or balls of wax or some other crap. Ultimately, the biggest laugh for Sabrina had to be when Libby was written off the show after season 3. Martin Mull… I mean Willard Kraft was their principal and guess what? He was a jerk! Can you believe that? The principal on a sitcom was a jerk! Sabrina had a talking cat too. I might talk about the cat more later if I want to.
I have sort of neglected to talk about the whole “she’s a witch” thing. Well, lets see… she starts off a complete n00b with using her magic. Her aunts help her out a bit because while also balancing friends and school work, she also has to worry about getting her witches license! And on top of all that, her family has a big SECRET that she has to figure all on her own with ridiculous clues! The first season laid all that drama on us and left us to wonder about season 2.
Season 2 started with Sabrina attempting to obtain that witches license. Surprisingly, she runs into misadventures. Drell, the head of the Witches Council (who turned Jenny into a grasshopper… then Jenny was written off the show and replaced by Sabrina’s new friend Valerie), oversaw all of that jazz. He used to scare me because he was played by Penn Jillette. Penn Jillette is a big scary man. Low and behold, she did end up getting her license. She proved she could correctly fly and vacuum cleaner. Isn’t that funny? Modern day witches fly vacuums instead of brooms! HAHA! Sabrina has an increasingly hard time hiding her powers from Harvey. They started dating at one point. Not sure I mentioned that earlier.
Sassy.
Hilda and Zelda also had some storylines that I need to address. Zelda was the smart one who loved science and education-like things. Hilda was the dumb one who could never make up her mind. Hilda had a relationship with Mr. Kraft and at one point had a relationship with Drell. Mr. Kraft was eventually scared away from Hilda and set his sights on Zelda. Zelda was attracted to the fact that he worked at a school because educational things are taught at schools and of course, that’s what she’s into. They both eventually were written out of the show because Sabrina went to college. They tried to keep Hilda in as a coffee shop owner and Zelda in as a professor at the school, but… meh.
Yay! College!
The fictional Adams College is Sabrina’s alma mater. She rooms with a shallow dimwit, a nerdy guy, and the actress who played Punky Brewster. She falls in love with some new guy who she worked with a Hilda’s coffee shop. His name is Josh. You know what? These last few seasons were not very amazing at all. Zelda was gone, my crush at the time, Hilda was gone. Harvey came back to the show and made Josh really jealous and stuff. Josh proposes and Sabrina says yes. They plan the entire wedding and set the date and get all the arrangements done. They are all ready to say “I do” and Harvey shows up a naked and broken man. Not really. He was wearing a suit because he was invited! Nevertheless, Sabrina realizes that Harvey was actually the one and she runs off the altar and gets on the back of Harvey’s motorcycle. Sabrina wasted everyone’s time. People got dressed up for that. Kids were probably really annoying and bratty to their parents that entire day and for what? Nothing.
I guess Sabrina the Teenage Witch was a good show. I liked the earlier stuff better. I liked that Melissa Joan Hart defied all Hollywood logic and got another starring role in a show. I liked that they had a talking cat named Salem. I told you I might come back to the cat. In the end, Sabrina showed us that not even witchcraft can make someone a good writer for that magazine she worked for. She showed us that witchcraft can’t make you cool. Witchcraft can’t find your soulmate, but your heart can. I have decided that that’s the moral of the entire show. Adams College was a lot less cool than Hogwarts!!! HAHA!! Harry Potter haha 
! The family secret was that every Spellman had an evil twin. Thank you.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch Key Info:
Original Run: September 27, 1996 – April 24, 2003
Key Catchphrase: Libby Chessler: “Ew”
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